Life has been a roller coaster these last months, as life as a mom overwhelmed everything else. When my boys were young I imagined myself at this age with long days making art, reading with no regard for the time, spontaneous happenings, and not worrying obsessively about them in their 30’s.
However, worry and despair dominated these last 6 months. As our Iraq Vet son moved home. We had some good days, when I could focus on the art, good books, and enjoy the life I have created. There was joy in planning a wedding for my older son, and the actual wedding weekend was wonderful. I won’t soon forget our rehearsal dinner evening, nor the beautiful wedding in Nashville surrounded by family, some of our friends, and his childhood, high school and college friends.
It is hard tho’ to stay in those moments, isn’t it? If only I could block out fear and worry over the daily struggles of the Iraq vet son, and return to memories of the wedding son in Nashville. Focusing on that, being present there.
That is my challenge now: how do I live with the reality of life never being okay for my Iraq vet son, and not worry or stress over his difficulties? I wish sometimes I were one of those women who can block out family difficulties and make art, be happy with friends, but I am not.
In the week following that glorious wedding, our Iraq Vet son relapsed and became angry and depressed as the VA crisis dominated the news, and despair grew over his day to day life. That was the backdrop at home as I worked to prepare for 2 naturalist hikes I co-lead that first weekend home. The following Tuesday I taught my final Art/Botany Class, I was exhausted and blacked out (or fell asleep) while driving home.
The Police, Firemen, ER Doctors and the Ambulance EMT guys all said it should have been a fatality, and I was lucky to be alive. It was a horrible accident, the impact was est. @ 45mph. I hit a tree and guard rail head on, it folded then turned into a vertical spear eating the engine of my poor car.
After all the doctors, tests and the followup to a near fatal car crash, I am left wondering: How do I change my head and heart? How do I destress when my son is in crisis? And how can I make art and live with a different mental/emotional approach to work deadlines as personal crisis develop at home?
These last few weeks, I am working in the garden, I am drawing plants, I am teaching, and I am slowing down. My son has moved out, he lives with a friend now. I am not sure how I will face the next catastrophe he encounters, but I will try to let it be his problem and hope that I have given him enough guidance and support over all these years to be able to make good decisions.
Living in the moment right now on a beautiful June day, with my garden in full bloom. Now to the studio…..